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first impression

huh writing here on my com is a tad confusing, but its my first time so hopefully ill get used to it later on. well, I don’t plan on sharing this blog with anyone really, but if anyone does see this, I hope it won’t be too hard to read as I know most of my friends find my typing a bit hard to read.

I have my own diary, or bullet journal as id like to call it but it mostly acts as a diary of what goes on in a day rather than how I feel etc. its basically a book of memories rather than somewhere I can vent. so someone I know used this website to quote unquote “pen my thoughts down”. And im bored and well, just extremely bored, so I thought, hey why don’t I do the same lmao so here I am

hopefully this is where I can clear my mind, as (sshh don’t tell anyone) but sometimes I talk to myself LOL as a way to get my thoughts straight. it like.. talking or venting to a imaginary friend, just that there’s no friend really.

I.. well. we’ll just see how this goes..

-15/6/2021

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panicky

adjective

  1. feeling or characterized by uncontrollable fear or anxiety.”I started to feel panicky and breathless”

that right there folks is what I felt last night, lying on my bed, I somehow started thinking about.. Levels and well future exams n general and how unprepared I m.

maybe I think too much, many people have told me that I overthink too much. but ughhhh if you really think about it.. exams are just a blink of an eye away. and well I am still struggling in some topics.

sometimes I wonder where did all my motivation go cs in the first week of the June hols.. mannn I was thriving, doing u to six tasks in a day? and now I can’t even do one. what happened.

sure I mean its called a holiday for a reason, its suppose to be a break, a resting time. but sometimes I feel like once I take a break, I will immediately fall back and will struggle ALOT later if I don’t do anything now.

some people call it toxic and not right, but honestly it has been like this my whole life so it second nature to me. sure yeah I do agree and being too overly competitive about grades can be toxic at times but sometimes I can’t help myself, the feeling u get if u know uve done better than someone else oooooh gd stuff.

I mean others around me are more hardworking than me right? so I have to be EVEN MORE hardworking in order to reach their level.

sometimes I wonder if im too young to be thinking these thoughts or feeling this feelings and it seems like im over exaggerating this and honestly im kinda embarrassed of it. like idk. why does it seem like I have to work so hard to get on a level that is so easy for others to reach?

okay but maybe im too young, I haven’t even reached my sweet 16 yet. and I do have some adults tell me im too young to be thinking or feeling this but LOL maybe I am but that isn’t gonna stop the thoughts from coming in.. maybe im thinking too far into this . idk

I mean my worries or concern are so.. childish? so insignificant compared to what others may have,

-16/6/21

17

so well my old friend just texted me asking if we wanted to hang, and well off I said yes, I haven’t seen her in a relatively long time and she was my bestf. even though I am genuinely very excited to meet her tmr, I am too very nervous haha and I think I have good reason why.. for me at least

I haven’t seen her in well, about a year now, and while I haven’t seen her dur that period, I have been well just I know what’s she’s been up to I guess, u can’t blame me, im not a stalker, I just follow her on ig!

and I have made a few observations that made me realise that wow I mean our energy levels are just very different now, and tbhwy idk if we can vibe as well and I don’t have the best social skills to hold a conversation so I hope that my award ass won’t make things even worse yea .

guess ill just have to wait and see tmr.

vax day

to the nurse? lady who injected me tdy, u were very nice and friendly.

I don’t usually converse with strangers like how I did to u but I enjoyed the small talk we exchanged today.

you r very nice haha

my hand hurts tho, been chugging coconut water so hopefully I can go to teakwood class on wed

-20/6/2021

worth

what if all of this is not worth it and I am just wasting everything and doing too much for nothing.

if my parents read this, they would go “‘what if’ lagi hais *name* *name* “

sighs

22/6/2021

tired

I am so tired.. and I can’t really pinpoint the reason why my feeling this way.. so I can’t really think of solutions to this issue either.

exams are coming in 6 weeks and im freaking out.. honestly im like in limo between giving up and freaking out. like im feeling both at the same time so I literally have no motivation to do anything hohoho

darn it

-1/7/2021

idk

idk if im in the wrong, or not. weeeoooaaa this is confusing like I really don’t like it bleh hais

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